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Thank you for reading another story from the wilds of my imagination. If you haven’t read Crooked Half Smile yet please stop and go read that. If it’s been A YEAR since you’ve read it, go reread, we will wait! You will need it to fully grasp this part of their story.

While I know it has been a long wait for this, I work at the pace life and my characters dictate. I started this not long after the pandemic began and watched as the world around me changed and my urge to write lessened. Add to it living with multiple teens who are now remote schooling, and well you end up having to wait for me to write. It’s been a long road to continue their story and I hope the wait was worth it for you all.

Sometimes things in life don’t work out the way you want them to, and one of the perks of being a writer is the ability to rewrite the stars. This story is for the one that flew away… may the heavens always be happier with you there. Here’s to the ending that should have been.

Please favorite, comment, rate and send me some feedback.

Thank you to my beta reader and favorite editor for the time put into helping me give you the best story I can. You have made my stories better for a year and a half and I will never be able to fully thank you properly for the friendship and help.

Thank you to my new beta reader GinnyPPC. Working with you on your story as well as my own has been a delight. (GO now and read her story “Catering Girl” which hopefully published right before this one!)

To my #endgame One day closer to the life we both deserve. I love you.

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“Are we really going to relive every moment of your lives together right now? You do realize you are not teenagers any longer right? You are thirty not thirteen.” The fiery redhead gave me one of her patented ‘seriously’ looks.

“Well, not every moment.” My eyebrows raised and Nadine blushed. The soft pink of her skin made me bite the inside of my mouth, which caused her to blush more. Her teacup hadn’t left the space right in front of her lips, as if she were trying to hide behind it.

Alex rolled her eyes at me. “Any chance you two would be willing to get on with things?”

“Alexandra, are you in some rush?”

“Well, if I’m not, the one hundred or so people out there just might be.”

“Eh, they can wait.” They could. This day was about us. The significance in the fact there was that many people waiting on us, that many that cared about this day, wasn’t lost on me though. Nadine wasn’t one for being on display so the fact she had agreed to any type of ceremony still shocked me. It wasn’t exactly my thing either, but I felt compelled to have this day. Make it a big deal because it was a big deal.

So much had transpired in the last twenty-seven years of my life. Her life. Our lives. By all accounts, today shouldn’t be happening. Everything should have ended a decade ago with us sitting in the middle of my mother’s dark driveway.

****~~~~****

“Okay. You have to leave. But please don’t take off on me. Again. And you don’t have to fix me Mallory.” Her voice trailed off, became quiet as she finished. “I’m not broken.”

That last word hung in the air, hitting me with a veracity I wasn’t prepared for. Each word transforming itself into a sword that wanted nothing more from its life than to slice through me. Gut me. Make me pay for all the damage I had created. And I knew they had the power to do so if I allowed it.

Instinctively I reached to wrap my pinky finger around hers. She reacted with a slight flinch that cut into me nearly as deep as the pain in her voice had. For the hundredth time, I found myself asking how we had become this version of us.

In the few seconds that had passed, I questioned everything I thought I knew. Our lives together played out behind my closed eyelids. The way she said ‘racamoni cheese’ as a toddler. The big wheel racing. Fence hopping. Rhubarb pilfering. Blanket fort building versions of us. The ones that existed before the days of partying in the woods behind Noelle’s house.

If she wasn’t broken, what was she?

Was I broken? I didn’t need to think on that.

Was the whole world, or at least the parts we inhabited, also broken?

I tightened my grip on her pinky, trying with everything I had inside of me to re-tether myself to her. To mend the bond that used to hold us together. The one that had once been so strong it had allowed us to survive our childhoods. Sheer will and determination had propelled us through those younger days, only time would tell if it would be enough to salvage what was left of us.

For the last two years we’d been floating through life, our bond, formed so long ago, weathered tattered and weary.

I was staring into her blue-green eyes, her pale skin stark against the nearly black hair that was being swallowed up by the matching darkness of night. She blinked, pulling her eyes away from mine with a deep sigh. I was still searching for the right way to fix balıkesir escort this.

Fix her. Fix me. Fix us.

With my pinky still locked around hers, I closed my eyes. Let her words swirl around my head. Let everything I loved about Nadine join in the dance going on in my heart. They spun and swirled. Turned in on themselves as we sat there.

Slowly, everything became clearer to me. Nadine wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t broken. Neither of us were. We were damaged, but not broken. We had baggage. We had history. But more importantly, we had love. She may not love me the way I loved her, but she did love me. She was my best friend and if I would just allow myself to not need to restore our relationship to what it had been, but instead if I could just accept that things had changed, maybe we could have a new version of ‘us’. A better version. Or at least one where we had some semblance of control of the world around us and of ourselves.

Looking at her I knew she needed me to say something. To decide in many ways both of our fates. She had always been the quiet one. Me the decisive one. I swallowed down the bile that had risen up in my throat and found my voice, at least for the moment. “I know you’re not Nadine.” My other hand had migrated and was now covering our intertwined pinky fingers, trying to connect us further. She didn’t flinch this time.

Slowly she turned towards me, eyes low and refusing to look into mine. “Do you?” Her voice dragged down by the weight of the air around us.

I didn’t bother to try to get her to look at me, I knew it was futile. “I do.” The words slipped quietly into the heavy air. Hung there waiting for us to decide what the next step was. Waiting for me to tell her we could be okay.

Before either of us could speak again, headlights pierced the darkness. We scrambled to our feet, knowing if we didn’t, my mother would end up hitting us. Her car ended up askew half on the grass patch between houses. I shook my head, knowing the version of my mother we were about to see.

“Jebus! Fucking hell Mallory what’s wrong with you? Sitting in the mibble of the damn driveway in the dark. You neber were one for thinking were ya?” The slurred words coming from my mother’s mouth stung. I immediately felt six years old again. “Thought the Army would have made ya smarter by now.” She was in my face. Her hot breath stank of cheap liquor and cigarettes. I didn’t bother to tell her I was in the Air Force not the Army. “Oh, is that you Nadine?” My mother half shifted, grabbing the door of the car to keep herself from falling. “Long time no see. Tell your Gram I said hi.” She slammed the car door then turned for the house, hitting me once again with the stench of her evening out.

“Hello Mrs. Harris.” Nadine meekly squeaked out the words just as my mother stumbled into the house, leaving us alone in the dark once again. We watched as she managed to get inside unscathed. A feat she wasn’t always capable of.

Nadine turned to me, this time her eyes landed on mine instantly, their intensity locking me in place. “So, what now Mal?” Her eyes pleading, like I could somehow make everything right in an instant. I had always made things right for her.

Fear swept over me. I wasn’t the slightly older little kid any longer. I couldn’t repair things with a bomb pop or a kit kat like I could when we were younger. The weight of everything threatened to buckle my knees and bring me back down to the ground.

I had no idea what was next. What it would take to get us to the point of being true friends again.

“I don’t know.” I admitted, defeat thick in my voice.

We stood there, pinkies interlocked for a lifetime before she broke the silence with a deep resounding sigh. “Me either.” Hesitance filled the air as she paused then continued, “but I do know we can’t stop talking to each other again. If we do, it will be all over. And Mal, I don’t want to lose you in my life again.” Her normally raspy voice slipped stealthily into the night air.

Worry anew permeated my soul.

A taxi was coming here to take me away, again. Walking out of her life for the third time in a little over two years. Was this how I wanted to leave things? With her thinking I thought she was broken. The air in my lungs rushed out, taking words I hadn’t thought of with it. “I know you’re not broken, but we are broken Nadine.” The idea these words formed struck me.

Was that it? Were we broken?

The was only one correct answer.

We were. I sighed. I knew it was true. Somewhere between growing up in the project and today, we had gotten lost and damaged. Certainty that this was the right way to move forward alluded me, but I had hope that if we both acknowledged this, we could heal.

“I’m still going to be thousands of miles away. There’s nothing I can do about that.” How could we begin to fix our friendship with the distance between us? I could no more stay here than she could come with me back to Alaska. We had to deal with us from a distance.

“Okay. bartın escort I know this. So, can we agree to write to each other?” Hope clung to her words.

I paused for the briefest instant, pondering. With a renewed confidence, I replied, “I can handle that.” Time was something I had an abundance of. I wasn’t known for my social life on base.

She jumped on what I said and didn’t hesitate to offer up a timeline, which I knew meant she had been thinking about this for a long time. “Twice a month? And not email. Real letters. I can’t always get on a computer.” Her head hung low with those words. It didn’t need to. I understood that. We had both grown up not having such things. The only reason I had access to one now was the Air Force. I didn’t even have a computer at home, just on base for work. I had a cell phone though, one that I could be using to keep in touch with her, but I didn’t offer up that information either. I knew she didn’t have one.

“Twice a month.” I nodded my head in earnest agreement. This didn’t feel like it was going to be enough, but I knew we had to start somewhere.

She gave me her small crooked half-smile. The one that made my heart leap. The one that had been causing reactions deep inside my body for years. I felt heat rise in my cheeks when she did and the flash in her eyes when she recognized my reaction. In an instant she released our pinkies. “I should go home.” She looked across the street and down the road. It was impossible to see her Gram’s from here in the pitch dark, her face slowly turned from its direction, back to mine. I caught the slightest glimpse of something in her eyes, but it was gone before I could figure it out.

“Okay.” I didn’t want her to shift and walk away. Not yet. Not ever, but that was my problem not hers. My head turned so she couldn’t see the tears starting to form.

Do not cry Harris.

“Can I give you a hug goodbye this time?” The streetlight bounced off the droplets of tears now running down her cheeks.

I nodded my head, fearing my own tears would spill over if I spoke. Stay strong on repeat inside my head. Her feet shuffled, then took hesitant steps. I stood there until they could no longer be heard, then turned and stepped inside my mother’s house.

A groan escaped my mouth when I saw my mother passed out on the ancient couch, one arm and leg splayed over the edge. I watched as a thin line of drool reached for the dingy carpet below, hesitation in my stance. The stench of her filled my nostrils. She really was a pathetic specimen at times. Two steps closer, I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch, tucked her arm and legs under with the rest of her.

“Good-bye mom.”

Back in the bedroom I could no longer think of as mine in any way, I laid in bed, unable to sleep. My mind bouncing from my pending departure, Nadine, Alaska, my life on base and back again. The darkness of each threatened to pull me into its depths if allowed. Sleep finally found me, giving me a few hours of dream filled refuge in the arms of the girl I had loved as long as I had been aware of love.

****~~~~****

“Harris!” My bedroom door slammed open.

“What?” I growled. Anger rose like a flame up my neck and spread out across my face.

“Whoa killer.” My new roommate, Becka, snapped back at me hands up in contrived surrender. The smile on her face betrayed her though. She had been here for a few months and was beyond easy to live with. She just had this thing with not really grasping the idea of personal space and privacy. The scuff marks where the wall meets the doorknob had grown exponentially since she had taken up residence in the tiny bedroom across the hall that was once mine.

I chuckled at the sight of her. “Sorry.” I was still getting used to the way she exploded into rooms.

“No harm.” She flopped down on my bed.

“What’s up?”

She sat up. “Me and some friends are going out. You in?” Becka didn’t go out much, but the few times she had since she moved in, she always invited me, and I always said no.

I started to say no as usual then stopped myself. Alex’s words from our phone call the other day blazed like a neon sign in my brain giving me no choice but to heed them. ‘Harris you have got to live. You are only twenty-one years old, and you act ninety. Get out there and enjoy yourself once in a while’. She had much more than that to say to me, but that was the gist of her message. It was the same one she had been giving me since she left so long ago. Things like ‘spinster’, ‘stereotype’ and ‘future cat lady’ were often thrown in when we spoke.

I missed Alex. A lot.

I knew she wasn’t wrong. I hadn’t done a single thing but work since coming back to Alaska after a visit home a few months ago. Oh, and write letters. Alex was living large in Japan, but after my time with her, I knew she would live life well wherever she was. She had a certain way of existing in the world I did not possess. More than once I had wondered exactly how we had ended up together. batman escort Proximity likely. Right place right time. If we hadn’t shared an apartment I doubt we would have ever been anything to each other. When I answered her ad looking for a roommate, I never expected us to end up a couple. I missed her greatly. I missed having someone I had a connection of any sort within my daily life. Becka was sweet and a great roommate, but I had been alone since Alex left and it was starting to wear on me.

Nadine and I were both true to our word and a letter arrived every 10-14 days for each of us. Hers were always longer than mine. I didn’t have much to tell her. One could only talk about work with someone else so much, especially in a letter and with someone who had no idea what military life was like. She knew a little about the people in my life, but just that, a little. She knew that Morse, whom I shared workspace with, was one of the most annoying co-workers ever, but he was also a really great guy. She knew what Becka was like to live with and that I missed Ssgt. Walker since she got transferred. In fact, she knew more about my co-workers and roommate than she knew about. Or rather about the me I was now. I never spoke of my personal life, which was easy because I really didn’t have one outside of work and the classes I was taking to finish my degree.

It was hard to write much of substance because I knew how hard life was for Nadine and how easy mine looked in comparison. So, my letters to her were filled with fluff mostly. Going out tonight would at least give me more fodder for that.

“Mallory?”

Becka’s voice broke through my contemplation. I looked over at her.

Becka was a civilian working on base and my third roommate since arriving here after tech school. She had taken up the small bedroom I had occupied in my early days in this apartment not long after Jennings left. “Um. Yeah sure.”

“Okay well I’m leaving in thirty. Go get ready.”

I hesitated, almost asking her what I should wear then decided against it. It was more important I was comfortable in my own skin if I was going to go with people I didn’t know. Being comfortable with myself was not my strong suit. If I stood a chance at making the evening decent for myself, I just had to be me.

I exited the room, showered, put dark jeans and a shirt on. Running my fingers through my wet hair, the closest to fixing my hair I ever got, and I was back in the living-room in twenty-five minutes. Becka was standing waiting, her left foot tapping on the carpet. Anyone that didn’t know her, might think she was perturbed, but I knew her and knew differently. Her brown hair was down, she was in jeans and boots with a nice shirt. She eyed my own, slightly less dressy, outfit. I must have passed muster. At least Becka wasn’t like Alex, trying to change the way I presented myself to the world.

Alex had warned me over and over about my predilection for being attracted to straight girls and to be careful. Then she scolded me telling me I was being too careful. I couldn’t win with her…ever. She called at least once a week from Japan. It pained me to hear about her various flings. I had been alone since she left. Becka was very straight though, so my fleeting thoughts of her filling the void that Alex left had been squished fairly early into her moving in. At least she didn’t have an annoying boyfriend like Jennings, so I wasn’t sleeping with noise cancelling headphones half the nights like when she had lived with me.

“Let’s go.” Becka walked towards the door and I followed. Thirty minutes later we were sitting in a mixed group. Some military, some civilians. We ate, they drank. I was slowly letting myself relax and before long I found I was actually having a good time. I knew Becka was chill, and so were the people she hung with.

Laughter filled our table as hours passed without registering fully. The air was abuzz with life and I was letting myself get lost in it. By the time I looked around, past our table, the restaurant was slowly clearing out. I felt a nudge into my side coming from Becka. “Harris, I think you have an admirer.” She spoke low, so only her and I would hear.

My head turned to follow where Becka’s was pointing. My gaze landing on a blonde sitting alone at the bar. A flash of recognition registered behind my eyes. I had seen that face on base, I just couldn’t place where or when. I nudged Becka back and gave her a look. One that said, ‘do not mention this again’.

My eyes wandered to the bar more than a few times as the evening went on. Each time they did, she was looking this way. I still couldn’t figure out exactly where I had seen her on base, but each glance built up my confidence that I had indeed seen her before. She was older, of that I was certain. She held herself differently than almost everyone I knew. With each stolen glance, I became more assured that she was a civilian. It was in the way her body moved, there was no stiffness of military life.

Our meals and their drinks were gone, dessert long eaten. Becka was the first to announce it was time for her, and me, to head home. I stood when she did, saying polite ‘nice to meet yous’ and ‘goodbyes’ to everyone. My eyes peeked at the bar one last time but were met with empty space. She was gone and I hadn’t noticed her leaving.

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